Zombie Survival: Hostels Fit for the Apocalypse

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Survival: Hostels Fit for the Zombie Apocalypse

Yeah. You know it’s coming. The nation is going to hell in a handbasket. It’s just a matter of time before all of this social media mayhem and reality TV tomfoolery melts so many collective brains that the DNA switch flips and we have a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies running around. The only legitimate brains left on earth are going to have to get creative for survival! When the sh!t hits the fan your ass better recognize that you may have put yourself in a precarious position.

All this talk of “minimizing” and “living in a van down by the river” has left you wide open to the first random herd of walkers to wander by. 

You’re zombie bait unless you flip the script and actually use all of this shoestring travel knowledge that you’ve been storing up. And for something better than just heading off to the next state or country that has legal weed. (You know who you are…)

countryside with zombies
Look closely. They’re out there…

But wait! Who knew being a cheapskate on travel could actually set you up for long term survival quite like this!?

I bet all of those 2500+sf, HOA dues paying, 20” on center, cookie-cutter homeowners are finally going to be begging for your knowledge bombs when their dear little Billy or Betty literally turns into a little ankle-biter.

Be cool about it. Just give them a loving “I told you so”, and get on the next (last?) flight to one of these super rad and zombie resistant* hostels. Then while the nation is concentrating on futile survival tactics, simply wait out the bloodletting in style. You know I swear by hostel travel, so we can add these to the reasons why!

Hostel fit for a zombie apocalypse
Gloucestershire Hostel

The Castle Hostel on the English Countryside

Ever been to Gloucestershire? No need to google it; it’s in Europe. Go ahead and google the pronunciation though. There are few things the English hate more than some foreigner adding too many syllables to one of their names. But I digress.

This castle is a “Grade 1 listed ancient monument,” which pretty much means it’s like top notch on the bad ass zombie resistance meter. And if you get bored and the zombies are at bay, you’re pretty close to The Forest of Dean and the Brecon Beacons. No, I actually know nothing about them, but they sound pretty awesome. Right!?
Cost: About $20 a head per night

Canada Jail Hostel
Canada Jail Hostel

Survival in The Jail Hostel in Canada, Eh

Ever been to jail? Don’t answer that. Ever been to Canada? Don’t answer that either. This 150-year old adult “time-out” is in the heart of Ottawa, Ontario. It’s within reach of Parliament Hill, National Gallery of Canada, Byward Market, and the Canadian Museum of Civilization, which will likely be a little ironic by the time you get there.

Jail cells include free wifi so you can hit mom up on Facebook and tell her you’re in jail. This assumes your mom is a survivor and is not yet a zombie, of course.
Ridiculously expensive price to protect your ass: $64+/night

Bottom line is that a jail seems like a pretty stout place to hang out while flesh eating ninjas try to knock down the doors.

The Lighthouse Hostel
The Lighthouse Hostel

The Lighthouse Hostel on the Coast of Cali

Never been to the coast of California? Well, now’s as good of time as any! Unfortunately you don’t get to stay in the actual lighthouse. At least you have access to a super-sweet sniper tower if you’re hanging out. The cliff side hot tub is probably pretty safe too, until you see droves of ravenous half-deads heading your way.

I don’t think you’ll survive that bloodbath. (See what I did there…?)

Oh, and this hostel is a Certified Bay Area Green Business, which I’m pretty sure won’t mean shit when the nation of zombies have hit maximum frenzy.
Around $28+ per night per body
Hot tub is $8 for 30 minutes per body, but will help aid in procreation and continuing the human race if you make it through all of the seasons of the Walking Dead, so it’s totally worth it.

The Medieval City Hostel
The Medieval City Hostel

The Medieval City Hostel on a Hilltop in France

First of all, it’s “Carcassonne”, so all you nerd gamers out there just got a huge chub. You’re welcome. Second, it’s in France, so at least the flowing countrysides are going to look super beautiful running red. All while you’re surviving in your very own hilltop city, playing ping-pong in the garden, and sleeping on your own diminishing supply of disposable sheets.
Cost: About $30 per night per head

The Treehouse Hostel
The Treehouse Hostel

The Treehouse Hostel in Nicaragua

Dude. It’s a fucking treehouse!? Like you need animated corpses to encourage you to go to this one!?

That said, we do all know that the whole zombie thing tends to jump mammals pretty quickly. Oh, did I mentione that there are a shit-ton of monkeys running around in those trees!? I’m not sure if you know this, but zombie monkeys are actually really good at climbing.

So if you’re in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, crashing at this awesome treetop hostel, and see the monkeys looking at you all crazy like, you may want to plan your last dance. At least make sure you RSVP for this hostel’s Friday or Saturday night “Party Night” and go out like a champ! But above all… respect rule number 4…
Slow death in a dorm: $10/night
Faster death in a hammock: $8/night
Fastest death in a ground tent: $16/night
I’m guessing they’ll adjust pricing once the Romero-thon begins…

You can’t deny that (human) zombies are notoriously sucky at climbing, which bodes really well while staying here. Until the monkeys…

Have fun! Let me know if you end up hitting any of these!

* NOTE that these hostels are not zombie proof; merely zombie resistant. #semantics
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